Party Like a Rockstar

I forgot to post this back in March so here it is!

Woke up this morning with a bangin' headache. Why? Because we were out partying from 5-10pm at the Blacklight Run! 

They started off with a pre-party with music banging. They were throwing out glowsticks and glow packs that people were opening up and swinging around.

Kayson was excited seeing the powder being thrown! He kept naming the colors. So cute!

I carried Kayson into the middle of the group and it turns out that's where all the powder was being thrown. I caught three Glow packs! Since Kayson was on my hip, he caught A LOT of the color. I kept asking him, "Do you wanna go see Dada?" (Andrew was hanging out in the back with the stroller.) He kept saying, "No, no." We stayed in the group for about 15 minutes just getting covered! (Kayson doesn't look so thrilled in this picture because I carried him away from the middle of the color group so that we could get him some food.)

When the 5K actually started, I could tell that Andrew really wanted to run. He would walk ahead at some points, but then he'd backtrack and come back to us. I finally just told him to go ahead and we set up a meeting point. It was awesome, though, because I got to hang out with my MOM friend, Vanessa!

 Had to get a picture glowing under the blacklights!

Vanessa started the 5K with a clean white shirt. She was covered after the run because there were stations where they threw the powder!

 Met up with my honey! He finished 20 minutes before us! (Kayson was asleep by then.)

AFTER PARTY! I'll tell ya, my head wasn't hurting in the midst of the music last night, but it's throbbing the beats now! There were some points where they would do a countdown and everyone would empty their glow packs. Being in the middle of all of that was cray-cray! It was like being in a neon dust storm.

 There was a really sweet proposal, too. Of course the girl said YES!

The aftermath was us completely covered in powder! Andrew didn't even recognize me when I came out of the After Party group. Heck, I don't even recognize myself!

The Blacklight Run is super awesome because they donate a portion of the money to charities like the Phoenix Children's Hospital. The amazing lady who started this program is in my MOMS Club.

Let's Talk About Infertility

Infertility isn't something that folks talk about a lot, right? Why not? Because it's a truly personal challenge and experience. It's not your average topic. (So how do you want your eggs? Fertilized.) But, there are a lot of folks who are dealing with it. Some ladies have never been able to get pregnant, for some it's difficult to stay pregnant, and then there are others who have given birth but can't seem to get pregnant again. I'm in that latter category. I can't speak for every woman who is dealing with infertility, but I can tell ya that it's something that I would never wish on another person. This feeling of inadequacy and confusion.

When are you going to have another baby? It's such a personal question, but it's one that I get asked often. Sometimes I want to give a smart aleck remark (Ya know, I should be having my baby in about 9 months from this morning.) Then, I just realized that folks are genuinely curious. Not everyone understands that it's difficult for some people to get pregnant.

So here's the spiel. We've been trying for over a year now (infertility comes in at a year of trying with no success). It really didn't take that long to get pregnant with Kayson even with all of my crazy stomach troubles. 4 months and BOOM - SURPRISE! The best feeling ever! Honestly, up until about 1.5 years ago, I was convinced that Kayson was going to be an only child. Parenting isn't easy, but there is so much JOY in being a parent. The love that I feel for Kayson is overwhelming sometimes. I was totally expecting a quick positive on the home pregnancy test. Three months went by, six months, nine months, a year...and here we are now.

I'm only 25. I didn't expect to have trouble conceiving. I can only imagine how difficult it would have been if I had waited to have kids when I was advanced in my career or something. What if I waited until we were more financially stable? Then perhaps we would have never had a child. I don't test anymore. If I wind up on the show, "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant," it's because I would have truly convinced myself that there was no way that I could be pregnant. And my body has spent many months throwing pregnancy related symptoms at me only to leave me red at the 31 day mark. It's almost like I experience a loss every month. I go throughout the month with hope that I will get a positive test and when it's negative, I grieve. It's a pain that I never would have understood without going through it myself.

I feel so much joy and sadness at the same time when I see pregnancy announcements on Facebook. A new baby is EXCITING. It's joy. It's love. It's wonderful. That sweet baby smell, their faces when they smile at the angels in their dreams, it's amazing. I will admit that I am very much human, and I get a bit jealous when I see the effortlessness that some seem to have with becoming pregnant. But, I don't know her story. I don't know what obstacles she overcame to become pregnant. I just know my story.

My story is that I have a wonderful husband and a sweet little boy. I love them with all of my heart. I know that I am capable of expanding that love. Should I get over myself and simply be grateful for the little boy that I do have? Nope. I'm allowed to mourn what feels so far away. A woman in my support group best put my feelings into words: "It's not that I'm not satisfied [with the child that I have], it's that I love him so much and he makes me so happy that I crave more of those feelings." I hope that another little sweetie will join our family. When will that happen? I don't know. I have no control over it. I think that's one of the sad things. To want something so badly but know that I can't make it happen. It will happen when it happens. Will I still feel moments of jealousy? Of course. I am only human. All I can do is try to have faith that things will happen in the Lord's timing.