Have the Faith Not to Be Healed

 A week or so ago, I decided to go to the lds.org website in search of inspiration and I saw that Elder Bednar had recently spoken at the CES Fireside. I decided to read the article. It spoke to me so much! It's like he wrote it for me.

In his talk, Elder Bednar spoke of a young couple (the man was 23 and the woman was 20) who had been married three weeks when they found out that the husband had bone cancer. As Elder Bednar was getting ready to give the husband a blessing, he asked, "Do you have the faith not to be healed?[...]Do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?"

“In other words, they needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the ‘natural man’ tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve. We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted.”

I will admit that this is one thing that I struggle with. I am so focused on getting better that I haven't (until now) recognized that it may not be the will of Heavenly Father. This really makes me think of when the Savior was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He said, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done."

The amount of pain that the Savior suffered is something that I can't wrap my mind around. He asked Heavenly Father for help, but knew that this was probably a pain that He had to endure. I can't imagine it.

There are days when I think it is too much. There are days when I just want to quit. I keep thinking that all of this is my fault. The reason that we can't get out of debt right now is because of me. My home is a mess because of me. I'm the one who is always sick. You know what, though. Bills are not going to last forever. A dirty house is not going to matter in the grand scheme of things. My family, however, has the possibility of being eternal. It is essential that I try my best. I think that Elder Bednar summed it up petty well, "It is better to not shrink than to survive." I just need to keep moving forward. Heavenly Father would not have given me this trial if He didn't think I'd be able to handle. I must be strong enough...I just have to reach inward and pull that strength out of me.

I have seen and spoken with many angels recently. They have shared wise and comforting words. They have given me hugs. They have come to my home and helped me clean. They have taken my little guy outside. They have given me airline vouchers (so that I can take a trip or use it to pay off medical bills.) I feel so blessed to know such wonderful people.

Now I hope that I can be the angel in another person's life.  I need to "forget myself and go to work."

Self-Worth

There may come a time when you spend 15 minutes crying in a dressing room at Ross. This week has been pretty tough. My stomach pains have intensified. I was able to go out on Tuesday night and teach a couponing class at church. I even ate some of the food, which was all nutritious stuff. We're talking tomatoes, brussel sprouts, strawberries, and things like that. I was in a ton of pain most of Wednesday. I felt like the worst mom because I had the tv turned on because I didn't have enough strength to take my son outside. It hurt me so much that our day was like that.

I was still in pain on Thursday, but I was determined to get KJ out of the house. We dropped Andrew off at work and then we headed over to Goodwill because they were having a $1 sale on some of their items. After we left there, we went to Ross. I let him be free of the shopping cart and he just walked around the store. He was soooo happy. It made me smile. I saw a super cute Easter outfit (blue shirt, pin-striped slacks, and a patterned vest) and I was thinking about buying it. For $13, though, I wanted to make sure it fit right. I couldn't just take it to the dressing room because it had one of those security tags on it that needed to be removed. The lady working the dressing room told me that they would take it off for me up front.

I got up there and there were about three people in line. My stomach was screaming at me because I was holding on to Kayson and because I had been on my feet for a few hours. I reluctantly asked the lady at the front of the line, "Would you mind if we just slipped in front of you to get this thing removed?" She responded, "Actually, yes I do. I have been waiting here in line and so have the other people. You are going to have to get in the back of the line." I was crushed...it would have taken me 10 seconds to get the tag removed. Afterwards, I went to the back of the line and the back-talker in me mentioned something about karma. Fortunately, one of the other ladies let me in front of them. I was able to get the tag off, and I walked to the dressing room with Kayson. Once in there, emotions just got the best of me and I cried and cried and cried. (I'm sure it wasn't only because of that woman, but because I've just been letting things build up with no release.) My sweetheart, Kayson, wrapped his little arms around me as best as he could. I'm so glad I was able to take him to the park to play afterwards.

It is so hard for me to ask other people for help. (I let down my guard and asked that lady in Ross if I could be "helped." And I was shot down.) When I'm that vulnerable, it means that there is a potential for me to be hurt. It's so hard because I want to be able to take my son to all these fun events or even simply outside to play basketball. I want to be the one to clean my house. I want to be able to make dinner for my family instead of asking Andrew to swing by Burger King and pick up dinner for him and KJ. It's so so hard that I just can't do these things myself. Sometimes when people ask me if they can help me, and I know that I need help, but I don't want to admit it because it seriously makes me feel worthless.

Every person is going through trials. There is a reason for it. Being sick, struggling with money, and learning to become humble are my trials for now. It's just something that I must go through, although there are days when I want to say, "Please stop. I'm tired of the pain. That's enough." I was reading a talk from President Eyring called "Mountains to Climb" and some of the things he said really give me so much peace and comfort.

"Trouble itself can be your way to strengthen and finally gain unshakable faith. Moroni, the son of Mormon in the Book of Mormon, told us how that blessing could come to pass. He teaches the simple and sweet truth that acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it:

'And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

'For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world.

'But because of the faith of men he has shown himself unto the world, and glorified the name of the Father, and prepared a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen.

'Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith.'

"In Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there."

19 Months have passed

Kayson has been a very busy toddler. Some days are difficult, but each day is full of tons of hugs and kisses! I love my little guy so much. Here's what he's been up to.

• CLIMBING on everything. He's a little daredevil. He lives to stand on the arm of the couch. I think my reaction (the "Oh my gosh, what the heck is this kid doing?! He's going to break his neck!" reaction) gets him all excited. He loves to climb in the kitchen drawers, onto chairs, and the kitchen table.

• TALKING about everything. His vocabulary has really exploded. I'm sure he's saying over 30 words by now. These are the ones I remember: book, cup, six, mommy, dada, cheerio, pot, pee, baby, no, stop, up, girl, sock, shoe, ear, hair, nose, mouth, eye, please, thank you (pronounced "ta ku). He also said his first sentence! He said, "No dada." ha ha! Yesterday he said, "No mama." I was soooo proud! Seriously, I was smiling from ear to ear.

Signing "more" and saying "baby" because he wanted to see the pictures on my camera

• BABY everything. Whenever he sees a camera, he requests to see baby. The same goes for cellphones and computers. He loves to watch videos of himself all the time. Throughout the whole video, he will point to himself and say, "da da da." Translated: "That's me."

• TODDLER TANTRUMS have been high up on his list of things to do. If something doesn't go his way, he will throw something and then proceed to throw himself (gently though) on the ground and flail about.

• HATES having his diaper changed. This kiddo would probably sit in a poopy diaper all day if I let him. I think it's the fact that he has to stop all the fun things that he's doing (i.e. throwing stuff in the toilet) in order to get changed.

• LOVES being in the bathroom. Whenever I sit on the big potty, he sits on his little potty. We're not quite ready for potty training yet, so he's just getting used to the potty (which he calls "pot"). While in the bathroom, he likes to tear tiny pieces of tp off the roll and toss it in the toilet. No complaints here because at least he's not throwing the whole roll in there!

• PLAYING WITH THE DVD PLAYER is just so much fun. He likes to open it, shut it, turn it on and off. Oh, and his favorite thing is putting stuff inside of the dvd player. One night after KJ had gone to bed, Andrew and I just could not get the dang dvd player door to stay shut. Every time we would close it, it would pop right back open 2 seconds later. It turns out that Kayson has stuffed a sticker in there, which prevented it from staying closed.

• DISLIKES NURSERY for the time being. If Andrew and/or I are in there with him, he may go play a little bit. We try to sneak out when he's occupied by something. Once he realizes that we're gone, he cries and clings to the ladies in nursery. I think he's afraid of the other kids. He's got beautiful curly hair, so of course it's tempting for kids to pull on it.

• LOVES CRAISINS. FINALLY, a fruit that he likes. We have been trying for months to get him to eat fruit. Thank goodness for nursery or I would still be trying to figure out fruits that he likes. Oh, and he likes chocolate milkshakes, too. Of course, we hide tons of fruit in it. (Shh...don't tell KJ!)

• PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK with mommy and daddy. This is probably one of my favorite games. I hide from him and call his name every once in a while until he finally finds me. Hilarious, because he'll come to the spot where he thinks I am and say, "Kayson." Little guy likes to try to trick me into saying his name when he's super close to my hiding spot. No way, Jose. 

• PICKING DADA UP from work so often has helped Kayson become familiar with his surroundings. We were at the light near Andrew's work when Kayson started saying, "Dada." He just knew that we were going to get him!

• LEARNING SPANISH words. He has said a few of them just this week! He has said "pie" (which means "foot") and "agua" (which means "water"). He also likes to try and count in Spanish. His favorite numbers are "dos (two)" and "cuatro (four)" (which he pronounces "coo-toe").

Our little guy is so full of life! I never have a boring day with him. Sometimes it's busier than I would like, but I enjoy it because he's growing up so fast! I feel like if I blink, I'll miss something. Andrew and I are so blessed to have KJ in our lives.

Pretty Black Shoes

I'm the type of girl that's most comfortable when wearing jogging pants, a t-shirt, and flip flops. That's just my style. I have never been trendy or fashionable. I don't try and follow the latest styles. I stick with what I'm most comfortable in. Since becoming a wife and mother, I've slacked even more on dressing up. Seriously, I just go out to Wal-Mart in my comfy clothes and a hat on my head. I'm usually so focused on how my husband, son, and house look that I often forget about myself. I do believe it might be time for a change.

On one of my shopping trips to Wal-Mart, I saw some shoes on clearance. Of course I was looking at the flats because I can't walk in heels to save my life! I came across these beauties.

 

I was so unsure if I wanted to get them. I slid them over my fluffy purple (yes, purple) socks and walked around for a few minutes in them. The heel is small, but I was still terrified. But, they were pretty comfortable and the fact that they only cost $6 convinced me to put them in the cart. I was hoping that I would make up my mind while walking around the store. I was sure that I was just going to put them back. I spent another 15 minutes in the store, got up to the cash register (after waiting 10 minutes in line...you know, how Wal-Mart has 20 lanes but only 3 are open and there's a line of 20 people in each one), and had forgotten to put the shoes back. I was waffling over whether to get them...then I just decided to do it. If I broke my neck walking in the shoes, I would just return them and get my money back.

I'm just so used to my best friends.

I bought these puppies when I was pregnant. My feet were all swollen and I just needed some shoes that I could slide my feet in. Since you couldn't wear flip flops on BYU-Idaho campus, I also needed something that allowed me to obey the rules but still be comfy and not have stinky, sweaty, fluid-filled feet. These shoes have been through a lot. Rain, extreme heat, hail...the list goes on.

As a stay at home mom, it can become pretty easy to "lose yourself." You become so busy serving your family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it's equally important to take care of yourself. You can get pretty worn down (like my "best friend" shoes have). It's nice to polish yourself up and shine, baby, shine.