A lot of people have been asking me what's going on with my health. Honestly, I haven't known what to say and I haven't really wanted to talk about it. It's a separate issue from the stomach problems (which have been 90% resolved...YAY) and a lot more personal. I mean, how do you go up to someone and respond, "Yeah honey, you know, my vagina is just broken. I need to take it in to get a tune-up or something."
The pain has been going on for a while. It started at least six months ago. At first, it only happened during ovulation. Then, my period and ovulation would switch back and forth trying to compete to see which would cause the most pain. Now I'm at the point where the only time I don't have pain is when I'm on my period. Yep, so 25 days out of the month, I pretty much hate life.
So when people ask me how I'm feeling, I say that I'm okay. Am I okay? Not at all. But I will keep saying that I am because I'm hoping that it will become true. One of the sad things is that people tend to treat you differently when something is wrong with you. There's something about the way they look at you. I have seen it one too many times. Some people immediately belittle the pain - "Oh, it's just cramps. I've had that pain before. Take some medicine and use some heat. You'll be fine." Imagine having "cramps" for 25 days in a row...your uterus burns, you have cramps, and stabbing all at once. If you walk around, you feel like you're going to pass out. Fun stuff. 6 years of pain is enough to make anyone go crazy. Some give you that sad look...and yep, I go home and cry. I don't want people to feel sad or bad for me. I feel sad enough by myself. I just want to be normal - healthy, strong, and able to clean my own dang house.
I'm never sure what to tell people when they ask me what they can do to help. I don't like giving chores to other people that I want to be able to take care of myself. And how do you say, "Okay, could you wash the dishes and sweep the floors? And you, would you mind folding clothes for me?" I don't want to be a burden. So many people have their own families and trials to think about. Yes, I'm in pain. It's not okay, but I've got a strong healthy heart, my lungs work just fine, and my legs and arms aren't broken. There are things to be grateful for. The Relief Society Presidency at church is amazing. They set up meals for my family this week so that I didn't have to cook. It helped a lot to know that my guys had nice homemade meals.
I'm going in for a Laparoscopy in a few weeks in hopes that we can figure something out. Everyone has their trials and they are vary by person. I don't like to share my trials with people. But folks have questions, and I know that there are others who may be struggling with something similar. If I can help others out in the world who deal with chronic pain to know that they're not alone, then okay, I can let down my guard and be vulnerable for just a bit. I can help someone who may feel like it's just not worth it. To put on a fake smile in front of people...to just keep moving forward. Life is worth living. It's okay to be sad.
I cry, and then I get up and do what I can. Because that's who I am. I will never stop giving my all. Pain is a scary thing. It's not something I can see. It's not something that I can fix myself. I'm sad, I'm upset, but I'm giving life everything I've got. That's what is expected. The Savior did it.
2 comments:
my goodness shae! this is insanity. i cannot imagine your sheer frustration at not being able to do anything about this. i recently re-read this talk and this quote came to mind as i read your post, "like the mortal life of which they are a part, adversities are temporary. what is permanent is what we become by the was we react to them." - dallin h oaks.
this certainly seem impossibly unbearable but you are handling it in an unreal way. i think i would be in pieces. it's absolutely no consolation, but you are a great women, to be even greater still.
^^^to everything this person said- YES!
I admire your strength for so many reasons. You have faced your trails head on and spent many years in silent grief. I cannot even imagine what this must be like. But you are right- we all have SOMETHING. You inspire me so much, Shae! I will be praying for answers for you. love you so much, girl!
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