Self-Worth

There may come a time when you spend 15 minutes crying in a dressing room at Ross. This week has been pretty tough. My stomach pains have intensified. I was able to go out on Tuesday night and teach a couponing class at church. I even ate some of the food, which was all nutritious stuff. We're talking tomatoes, brussel sprouts, strawberries, and things like that. I was in a ton of pain most of Wednesday. I felt like the worst mom because I had the tv turned on because I didn't have enough strength to take my son outside. It hurt me so much that our day was like that.

I was still in pain on Thursday, but I was determined to get KJ out of the house. We dropped Andrew off at work and then we headed over to Goodwill because they were having a $1 sale on some of their items. After we left there, we went to Ross. I let him be free of the shopping cart and he just walked around the store. He was soooo happy. It made me smile. I saw a super cute Easter outfit (blue shirt, pin-striped slacks, and a patterned vest) and I was thinking about buying it. For $13, though, I wanted to make sure it fit right. I couldn't just take it to the dressing room because it had one of those security tags on it that needed to be removed. The lady working the dressing room told me that they would take it off for me up front.

I got up there and there were about three people in line. My stomach was screaming at me because I was holding on to Kayson and because I had been on my feet for a few hours. I reluctantly asked the lady at the front of the line, "Would you mind if we just slipped in front of you to get this thing removed?" She responded, "Actually, yes I do. I have been waiting here in line and so have the other people. You are going to have to get in the back of the line." I was crushed...it would have taken me 10 seconds to get the tag removed. Afterwards, I went to the back of the line and the back-talker in me mentioned something about karma. Fortunately, one of the other ladies let me in front of them. I was able to get the tag off, and I walked to the dressing room with Kayson. Once in there, emotions just got the best of me and I cried and cried and cried. (I'm sure it wasn't only because of that woman, but because I've just been letting things build up with no release.) My sweetheart, Kayson, wrapped his little arms around me as best as he could. I'm so glad I was able to take him to the park to play afterwards.

It is so hard for me to ask other people for help. (I let down my guard and asked that lady in Ross if I could be "helped." And I was shot down.) When I'm that vulnerable, it means that there is a potential for me to be hurt. It's so hard because I want to be able to take my son to all these fun events or even simply outside to play basketball. I want to be the one to clean my house. I want to be able to make dinner for my family instead of asking Andrew to swing by Burger King and pick up dinner for him and KJ. It's so so hard that I just can't do these things myself. Sometimes when people ask me if they can help me, and I know that I need help, but I don't want to admit it because it seriously makes me feel worthless.

Every person is going through trials. There is a reason for it. Being sick, struggling with money, and learning to become humble are my trials for now. It's just something that I must go through, although there are days when I want to say, "Please stop. I'm tired of the pain. That's enough." I was reading a talk from President Eyring called "Mountains to Climb" and some of the things he said really give me so much peace and comfort.

"Trouble itself can be your way to strengthen and finally gain unshakable faith. Moroni, the son of Mormon in the Book of Mormon, told us how that blessing could come to pass. He teaches the simple and sweet truth that acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it:

'And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

'For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world.

'But because of the faith of men he has shown himself unto the world, and glorified the name of the Father, and prepared a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen.

'Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith.'

"In Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there."