Spare the Rod...

**This post is mainly a parental reminder for me.**I've been a member of Babycenter for over a year now. It's been nice because I can go on there and ask questions without really feeling judged. I mean...it's the internet. I don't know these people in real life. Anyway, on my birth board the topic of discipline has come up at least ten times. Some of the women mention that they "tap" or "lightly pop" their babies and all hell breaks loose.

When I was a child, the rod (more like belt) was definitely not spared. That's the way I was parented, though. I look back on things like that, and it makes me think of how I want to discipline Kayson in the future. Right now, I'm all about redirection. If he gets into something, I will distract him with something else. If he hits me (even though he doesn't know that he's hurting me...it's more of excitement), I just take his hand, have him caress my face, and say, "Gentle." This has helped so much. He also understands the word "no." He does think it's funny sometimes, but I am consistent. I try not to use the word too much because I don't want it to lose its effectiveness right away.  And I don't want him to be afraid to explore. That's how he will learn! This world is still so new and exciting for him. It's not that hard for me to follow him around to make sure that he has safe exploration.

I want to share two experiences that happened last week.

I had just put Kayson down for a nap when I heard some crying coming from outside. It sounded like a toddler. I was concerned and wondered if maybe the baby was lost and needed help to find his mother or something. I looked out my dining room window to see what was going on. I saw a lady standing outside of her car. There was another person sitting in the passenger seat holding the toddler (who couldn't have been older than 3 years old) that I heard crying. The lady was yelling at the toddler to get in his carseat. She would go around to the passenger side of the car and the toddler would move to the backseat near the driver's side. So she would move back to the other side. Finally, the passenger was just holding onto the baby when the lady took off her flip flop and started spanking him. It wasn't just a few swipes. She hit him maybe 10-15 times. The person holding the baby just laughed. It broke my heart so much. They drove off...and I was just stunned. I actually cried for that child.

About a day after that, Andrew and I had just gotten home from the store. As we were walking up the path to our apartment, we hear a guy (who happens to do maintenance for our apartment) call out to his little girl and she answers him. He rounds the corner, grabs her by her arm, and starts spanking her butt. I don't even think I can call it spanking. He was hitting baby girl full force. As he hit her, he said, "What the f*** is wrong with you? I've been looking for you. Someone could have taken you. Are you out of your f***** mind? You don't walk away from me." Andrew and I were both stunned. We didn't know what to do. I understood the Dad was frustrated, but...wow...

I could never spank my son. Look at this sweet, innocent face. The face of perfection...

 
It is not my right to tell other parents how to parent, but I think it's important to look at it like this--if I were to go out and hit a person, that would be considered assault and I could be arrested. If Andrew all of a sudden smacked me in the mouth for arguing with him, that would be considered domestic abuse. But, it's okay to spank a child?

On Babycenter, some of the highlighted comments from other moms were:
"I find that when you smack your child's hand, your next step should be to punch yourself in the face. That way you both know you did something wrong."

"If there are alternatives to controlling behavior other than spanking/swatting, etc, why not use them? If a daycare can control behavior without ever laying hands on the child, why can't we as parents? The message is still there and clear- there are alternatives to parenting other than hitting. Deep down you don't want to hit your child. If you could accomplish good behavior with your [child] without hitting them, would you? If the end result was good behavior with style A and hitting, would you still pick hitting? Probably not. There are other options and we need to explore them. I know, for me, that when I feel like spanking it is always out of frustration, fatigue and anger. I don't want to teach my kids that so sometimes I have to go to a different room and scream for a second, calm down and then address the situation."

"You are hitting to get the result you want, therefore teaching them that they can inflict pain to get what they want. No sugar coating , no gentle terms. That's what spanking is....justified abuse. It takes more patience and willpower to teach a child the difference between right and wrong than it does to just spank them. I guess some would just rather hit than actually use their brain and be rational about discipline."  

Here's the link to that post: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a33327913/when_do_babies_start_understanding_discipline


Parents really do try to do what they feel is best for their children. For my child, I don't think spanking is the answer. I was spanked as a child, and I believe that it hindered relationships rather than built a sense of respect and obedience. I communicated less out of fear. I just want Kayson to know that he can come to me with any problems and he doesn't have to be afraid of me. That doesn't mean that he'll get everything that he wants, but he will have everything that he needs.